IllAdvised
by Alora V
Summary: Artemis decides, at the age of 16, it's high time he gets some. A parody of shipping, this is intended to poke fun, not offend.


This is for all you shippers out there.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Artemis Fowl, the series or the book or the boy. Never will. This story is not Lost Colony compatible, because, unfortunately, I live in the US. Thanks, Eoin. Thanks.

Artemis was sitting at his desk, thinking, head in hands. How was it that, at the ripe old age of 16, the boy had never had a romantic relationship? It couldn't honestly be because he went to an all-boys school, with little opportunity to meet girls, or the fact that he was always so busy. No, he decided. There was no excuse. He was, after all, a young boy and his hormones were raging. In this day and age it was inexcusable. And so Artemis did something perfectly normal. He completely abandoned everything that made him who he was, the lovable untouchable genius.

First to go was his emotionless air. This went to Juliet, the morning after he decided to take action. Juliet bent over the kitchen table, her shiny blonde hair cascading in a waterfall and her eyes shining like jewels of an as of yet undetermined color, buttering her toast. Artemis could not help but notice her particularly nice wrestler's physique: though girl wrestlers are normally very butch, Juliet certainly wasn't. He went up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, disregarding the fact that he was usually unaffectionate and would never presume in such a manner. "Juliet," he whispered. "I've known you for years, but I feel as if I'm only seeing you today," he said in a suitably corny manner. Although Juliet would ordinarily go totally medieval on someone's ass for pulling a stunt like this, she turned and kissed Artemis full on the mouth, ignoring the fact that the boy was at least 5 years her junior. Who cared if she'd changed his diapers when he was a baby? The way his black- no, obsidian- no, RAVEN hair cascaded over his eyes and across one cheek easily made up for that. Their sex was one of purple prose, sweet love, and mostly kosher.

The day after, Artemis went further out of character by losing his sense of propriety. He did this by sneaking up on Butler in the parlor and asking for advice on women. Lately, Artemis had found himself attracted to his bodyguard in a way that had less with his guarding and more with his body. After a man-to-man talk, Artemis subtly maneuvered himself into a position against Butler's ubiquitously muscled chest, and Butler suddenly lost his sense of propriety as well. The young boy he had been assigned to protect was no longer a young boy, but a handsome young man and well-endowed too, if the pressure on his leg was any indication. So, completely unheeding of his bodyguard code, the one that forbade for Artemis to even know his first name and which, might I add, he was TRAINED TO LIVE BY, he pulled the helpless boy into a deep, hungry kiss full of lust that we would be led to believe was pent-up, but for how long I don't even want to know. During their sex right on the parlor couch, there was much bruising of pale skin, a lot of sweating, and at least one mention of the name "Domovoi", which always makes the author think, "Domovoi regato, Mr. Roboto," but that's beside the point. Oh, and the word "cock " is mentioned. Unsurprisingly, Artemis ends up on the bottom, and it's never failed to point out how delicate and young Artemis is against the muscled bulk of Butler. Thanks, but I don't need reminding how much of a pedophile Butler is, I can remember that on my own.

Then two days after losing his virginity to a woman, and one after losing his virginity to a man, Artemis decided it was time to branch out. This day, he lost his sense of reason and made love to a fairy, Captain Holly Short by name. Through a thinly contrived plot, they met on the surface. After some prattle about how Holly is such a good friend to Artemis, they are so close after all they've been through together, blah blah blah…they suddenly forgot that they are from two different worlds. Holly pulled Artemis into a deep, meaningful kiss. The kiss didn't taste like mud or metal or anything foreign, really, and Holly didn't burn from the taintedness of Earth on Artemis's lips, really. And it never occurred to either of them that they were of different species and therefore, Artemis is basically participating in a form of bestiality. None of this mattered, because their love was so pure and beautiful and circumstance-driven…whoops did I say that? I meant that the two were meant for each other, of course, ever since Artemis had locked her up in his basement, because we all know Artemis is such a sado-masochist. And surprisingly, when they made love, everything worked the way it should and Artemis, you know…well, Holly's only three feet tall so you can imagine the difficulty that should exist there, though you can also, I'm sure, imagine the perk for Artemis there. But this issue is never addressed in this love that is so canon, and Artemis returned to Fowl Manor a happy man.

Except.

Except for one thing.

Well, there was this young girl living down the road from Artemis. She was a genius, too, and she knew fairies existed, too, and she was so pretty and preppy and perfect! Her hair flowed down her back in a natural cascade of overly descriptive color, and her eyes sparkled and shone like Angeline's most priceless diamonds. Her past was clouded and tragic, and she was blindingly beautiful. Her name was Starlite D'Arkness Maria Susannah Skye Root, and she was of course related to Commander Root and was a half-blood fairy, although she didn't know it.

And the poor boy Artemis was immediately smitten with her feminine wiles and unbelievable charm.

No, Artemis decided, his conquests would not be complete. Not till he gave up his final attribute, his genius, and finally made Star his.


End file.
